I've only been back at school for one week, and I already have enough reading assignments to fill an encyclopedia. I actually really love school. I like attending lectures, doing projects, and I even enjoy writing papers :) However, one part of school I do not enjoy is tests and studying for them. Studying for tests is time consuming and stressful. Even if I've studied for a few hours, I still have doubts as to whether I'm prepared enough. The actual act of taking a test, on the other hand, can be either rewarding or terrifying. I love taking tests when I'm confident in my answers. It is a great feeling to finish a test and be able to say that there wasn't a single question that caught me off guard. On the flip side, taking a test where the questions could almost be a different language fills me with terrible feelings. I'm ashamed that I didn't invest enough time into my studies, and I'm afraid of the consequences that this test score will bring to my overall grade.
This morning I was alarmed to find that I had been handed a test that I had not properly studied for.
If you've read my most recent entry, you know that I recently had back surgery. I am very grateful to the Lord and pleased to report that my recovery has gone fairly smoothly. The recovery was not without pain, and there were certainly moments of discouragement. But with every morning, I find that I am more healed than the day before! This morning, however, as I was checking my progress, I found the test I mentioned above in the form of another little bump. Fortunately, it was not in the same place as the last one, but there was a bump nonetheless.
My reaction to this discovery proves that I had not properly studied for this test. At first, I felt despair that I might have to go through the pain of surgery again. And then I did the most absurd thing a Christian could ever do. I got a little angry at God. Now you might be surprised to find that I am not one of those Christians who says its okay to be mad at God every once in awhile. Within my first month of being a Christian, I heard a message at a retreat that explained that anger at God is not justifiable. It's not that God can't handle our being angry at Him. We know that He can from the story of Job in the Old Testament. Anger at God is not justifiable because we have no legitimate reason to be angry at Him.
If I had prepared for this test, this new physical trial, I would have responded differently. I would have acknowledged straightaway that I am not entitled to perfect health. In my sinful condition, what I am entitled to is the plague! It is only by God's grace in my life that I have been so free of illness and deformity. If God's Word had been more engrained in my heart, I would have remembered that I am commanded (and have reason) to rejoice always!
Jesus sacrificed everything for me. A King took the punishment I deserved. How outrageous of me to be angry at Him, even if only for a moment. Fortunately, Jesus is full of mercy, and He has extended it to me once again today. Along with my intentions of repentance, I pray for the wisdom to take this next test. I pray that my response to this trial will ultimately bring fame to my King.
