Honestly, this is harder than I thought.

In my first entry I promised to be honest in these posts. And I'm about to give you an honest truth. I haven't been writing much lately because I'm in a bad mood. I'm not an artist in the typical sense, but I like to think of writing as a work of art. I prefer my "artwork" to be uplifting, and lately I haven't had much uplifting things to say. I don't know whether that is because the transition back home for the summer has been difficult or because I have not been casting my cares at the feet of Jesus (its probably a combination of the two), but I can't seem to shake this feeling of being weighed down. I'm going to vent for a bit and then probably hit the backspace button A LOT, but here is why I haven't been in the best mood lately.


I'm single, and I know it. I don't really need everyone and their mother reminding me. As if its not hard enough just wanting to be in a relationship. Yes, my standards are pretty dang high. I know that. I'm more than okay with that. But it would be nice if people would be more encouraging and less underhandedly reminding me that I'm not in a relationship.


I'm not being heard. What started out as gentle reasoning has turned into all-out shouting matches. Is it really my fault that I'm losing patience with each passing day? Are my threats really empty? Do I mean it when I say I won't come back? Are my tears selfish? Is there really no solution? I don't know whether to resolve or keep fighting. 


I feel lonely. Those words feel foreign even to write. I haven't often felt lonely in my life. And the reason why I feel lonely isn't even because there aren't people around who care about me. I feel lonely because all I can see is three more months of being home or at work in the morning and at work at night. Being at home isn't exactly restful and neither is work obviously. I knew that this summer was going to be one mainly for saving money to go back to school. But it is turing out to be harder than I thought. 


Not very uplifting right? I guess thats just the way it is sometimes. And as I write all this, I remember a meeting I had just before leaving school. A very godly woman reminded me to cast everything at the feet of my King this summer. And to be honest, I haven't done that at all. So here is the reality to remember when you read any of my entries: I don't ever really have it all together. Especially right now. I'm trying to carry a weight that I can't carry, and I know what I have to do. I know that Jesus will carry this burdened feeling for me. I haven't surrendered that yet, but I know better. My King will lift me back up. The only question is when.

A Better Country

For as long as I can remember, I have always wanted to break free from the ordinary and be my own person. For years when I was a child, I wanted nothing more than to live in New York City one day. I imagined that life would be more thrilling there. Everything about the city seemed glamorous and idyllic. It seems almost odd now, but even back then I longed for independence. As I grew up, the dream changed but the principle behind the dream stayed the same. New York was no longer the only place I could see myself. I felt drawn to places like China, Romania, South America, even New Mexico! As you have probably deduced already, these places have virtually nothing in common. The one thing they do have in common is that they are utterly different than anything I've ever known. Why is it that I have always wanted to go places that are so unfamiliar to a small-town girl like me? I'd like to explore that question in this blog.


How do you explain the unquenchable desire of a little girl to go to unknown places where she can be free and independent? It is reasonable to say that she dreamed of a life better than the one she knew. Please don't misunderstand that statement. I was not and am not an escapist. My desire for going elsewhere was never motivated by the need to escape a harsh reality. Rather, I believe my desire was motivated by a sense of adventure. Surely there were more adventures to be had in NYC than in Celina, right? But now another question remains; where did this desire for adventure come from? Not everyone wants to live in unfamiliar territory. Most people would take stability over adventure if it were offered to them. I have often wondered why I am so different from the rest of my family in this way. That is not to say my family doesn't have dreams. They do, but mine have always been so much different from theirs. It seems legitimate to ask where these dreams came from. Most children get their dreams from their parents, but my parents would tell you in an instant that they didn't plant those outrageous dreams in my head. Rather, it is like the dreams were there from the beginning. They were woven into my very being from before I was even born.


When I was fifteen, I embarked on a new adventure that literally changed my life. I am currently on that very same adventure, and it has taken me places I never expected to go. This adventure has taken me to slums in Haiti, hospitals in Guatemala, the inner-city of Chicago, and many other places as well. And while the adventure has taken me to some amazing places, the destinations aren't really what the adventure is all about. Instead, this adventure is mostly about the journey, and the only destination I really care about is the final one. I'll now stop speaking so cryptically and explain this grand adventure I've been on for the last four years.


I am following in the footsteps of the only wise King. It is truly a grand adventure to take Jesus at His word and actually do what He asks. The path of following Jesus gets rocky at times, but that just adds to the adventure. No matter how scary the task or how impassible the road may seem, my King has always made a way for me. He has been faithful even when I have been faithless. He has proven His love for me again and again.


And all the while, my thirst for adventure has remained. The different stops I have made on my journey walking with Christ have all been quite thrilling, but the final stop on my ticket is a better country than any I have visited thus far. I am looking forward to something better than this earth. That is why I am willing to go anywhere the Lord takes me- even if it's dangerous. God created me from birth to go and do great things for Him. He knew about this grand adventure even before I did.


So if you ever think I'm crazy for wanting to go to unwelcoming places with an unwelcome message, then just remember that I'm not doing it for myself. If I were going into Christian Missions for the sake of my own comfort and happiness, I would probably return to my home whenever the going got rough. But because I am longing for a better country, I will not let hardship or fear or  discomfort keep me from spreading the fame of my King. Speaking about the saints of old, the author of Hebrews makes a point more eloquently than I:


"If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. Instead, they were longing for a better country—a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them" (Hebrews 11:15-17).