In my first entry I promised to be honest in these posts. And I'm about to give you an honest truth. I haven't been writing much lately because I'm in a bad mood. I'm not an artist in the typical sense, but I like to think of writing as a work of art. I prefer my "artwork" to be uplifting, and lately I haven't had much uplifting things to say. I don't know whether that is because the transition back home for the summer has been difficult or because I have not been casting my cares at the feet of Jesus (its probably a combination of the two), but I can't seem to shake this feeling of being weighed down. I'm going to vent for a bit and then probably hit the backspace button A LOT, but here is why I haven't been in the best mood lately.
I'm single, and I know it. I don't really need everyone and their mother reminding me. As if its not hard enough just wanting to be in a relationship. Yes, my standards are pretty dang high. I know that. I'm more than okay with that. But it would be nice if people would be more encouraging and less underhandedly reminding me that I'm not in a relationship.
I'm not being heard. What started out as gentle reasoning has turned into all-out shouting matches. Is it really my fault that I'm losing patience with each passing day? Are my threats really empty? Do I mean it when I say I won't come back? Are my tears selfish? Is there really no solution? I don't know whether to resolve or keep fighting.
I feel lonely. Those words feel foreign even to write. I haven't often felt lonely in my life. And the reason why I feel lonely isn't even because there aren't people around who care about me. I feel lonely because all I can see is three more months of being home or at work in the morning and at work at night. Being at home isn't exactly restful and neither is work obviously. I knew that this summer was going to be one mainly for saving money to go back to school. But it is turing out to be harder than I thought.
Not very uplifting right? I guess thats just the way it is sometimes. And as I write all this, I remember a meeting I had just before leaving school. A very godly woman reminded me to cast everything at the feet of my King this summer. And to be honest, I haven't done that at all. So here is the reality to remember when you read any of my entries: I don't ever really have it all together. Especially right now. I'm trying to carry a weight that I can't carry, and I know what I have to do. I know that Jesus will carry this burdened feeling for me. I haven't surrendered that yet, but I know better. My King will lift me back up. The only question is when.
I feel the same way a lot of the time. It's so easy to say "I will cast my care, my woes, my burdens onto Jesus. He has died for me - it will all be okay. Let HIS will be done. Easily said, right? Yes. I believe that with all of my heart. But the action of doing so... is so difficult! It's hard to "not care" (for lack of better words) because you trust your God is there to carry you through. It's hard. I can't explain it either. Pray. And when prayer doesn't seem to help, pray some more. I've been in this state for what seems like forever, and I'm still waiting for some conflict resolution and guidance from the Big Guy upstairs... just patiently waiting. Maybe that's a lesson in itself? Faith? Trust? Hm, who knows. Just keep your chin up dear! Love you so much.
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