Ashes, Tears, and Spilt Perfume

I have at certain times in my life sensed that I have done wrong. To deny this would be to deny the existence of any moral sensitivity inside myself. I sense this when I have let someone down by failing to meet a deadline or an expectation. I feel it when words spoken carelessly came back to haunt me. I sense it when I have done something in secret that would make me ashamed if anyone else knew. These feelings that make me aware that my conscience has been defiled have a special name: guilt. Sometimes guilt nags away at me until I can hardly stand to look myself in the mirror. But after a while, the nagging voice of guilt starts to fade and something much worse takes up residence in the heart. Apathy.

The disillusioned equate apathy with freedom. "I don't care what anyone else thinks! I will live my life as I wish! I am free!" is it's battle cry. Apathy doesn't listen to the nagging voice of guilt. That voice was put on silent ages ago. But apathy doesn't remain in the stage of passive indifference for very long. No longer needing to defend itself with it's battle cry, apathy does everything it can to make itself known. People who are indifferent to their consciences aren't afraid to bash someone behind their back (or even to their face). They aren't worried about their responsibilities or the expectations others have of them. They zealously defend every hateful word that escapes their lips. They express pride over the actions they once considered shameful. And while the apathetic person may be free from the nagging voice of guilt, he is really just a slave to his passions.

Last Wednesday was Ash Wednesday, a day with it's roots in early Christian tradition. The purpose of the day is to reflect on one's past sins and mourn over them. In Roman Catholic and some Protestant churches, ashes are placed on the forehead of those who wish to make an outward confession of their inward mourning heart. A friend recently brought to my attention that some people understand this to be an offense to the cross of Christ. After all, if we have put our trust in Jesus, our sins are completely dealt with. "Therefore there is now no more condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus" (Rom. 8:1). But while this is entirely true, the Bible tells us that God esteems those who are contrite in spirit (Isa. 66:2). This assertion begs a few questions: "What does it mean to be contrite in spirit? Is it the same thing as feeling guilty? If so, why would God esteem our guilt?" Recently I've learned that guilt and contrition are not synonymous. Our guilt and apathy are not what God delights in. Instead, David cries out in his psalm of repentance, "the sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart" (Psalm 51:17). So what does that look like in real life? The Word of God tells us a story of one woman who knew what it meant to come before her Lord with a broken and contrite heart.

In Luke 7:36-50 we read of a woman who, though she had lived a sinful life, approached the feet of Jesus in the company of many religious leaders. In sorrow over her sins the woman began to weep. So much did she weep that Jesus' feet were actually wet with her tears! Noticing this, the woman then began to dry His feet with her hair! Then she does something very strange. She begins to kiss the feet of Jesus and pour expensive perfume on them. The religious leader who invited Jesus over for dinner became indignant. He was repulsed by the woman's sinfulness and was shocked that Jesus was not equally repulsed. But then Jesus told a short parable that made everything seem a little clearer. This woman, in her great sorrow, exhibited so much love for Jesus. She had much to be forgiven, so she loved Him all the more because of all He had forgiven her. By spilling her perfume in an act of worship, the woman exhibited faith that Jesus could heal her. Her sins moved her to tears at the feet of Jesus, but they also moved her to worship Him by pouring perfume on His feet. In response to the woman's actions Jesus told her, "Your faith has saved you; go in peace" (Luke 7:50).

This woman was broken in spirit and contrite in heart. She sensed guilt over her sins, but she was not apathetic about them. Guilt prompted her to recognize that her sins had not been adequately dealt with, and contrition was the result. There are many days (especially as of late) when I deeply identify with this sinful woman. Painful remorse moves me to weep at the feet of my King, begging for mercy. And also like this woman, I come in worship, with faith that He can heal me. This is what God esteems. This is my sacrifice to Him.

So no, I do not think it is okay for Christians to be consumed by guilt. That would indicate that their sins have not been repented of. And no, I do not think that self-condemnation is appropriate for the Christian. That would indicate that they do not have faith in the power of the cross. But do I believe that God honors those who are humble and contrite- those who mourn over their sins with the faith that He can heal?

Yes, I believe it with all my heart.

When it doesn't Thrill like you Think it Will

There are days when everything I want seems within reach. There are days when I am satisfied that I have accomplished the major goals I have been striving toward. And then there are the days when I realize that achieving goals never really guarantees happiness. At this time a year ago, I was eagerly anticipating all the adventures I would be experiencing in a few months time. The thrill of traveling and doing ministry for a summer and the thrill of starting my new life in the city at the school of my dreams were the goals that I had been working toward all of Senior year, and in some sense, all of my life. Don't misunderstand, both of those experiences were incredibly thrilling. In fact, I don't know that I have ever been happier in my life than when I was in Guatemala or here at school. Going to new places and meeting new people satisfies that desire for adventure that God put in me. However, today I heard a tragic story from a woman that reminded me that having everything you want and doing everything the right way doesn't safeguard you from disaster.

Even if I have everything that I want, tragedy is always only a moment away. I don't say that to be pessimistic, but I say it to be realistic. Since everything I've worked for could be taken away in an instant, it makes me wonder how I would respond should tragedy ever strike (as it inevitably will- at least to some degree). "Are my successes the things that my happiness relies on?" "When I fail to accomplish a goal, does it devastate me?...Should it?" "What is the one thing, that if it were to be taken away, it would ruin me?" These are the questions that have haunted me since I started writing this blog a few days ago. I know what the answers to these questions ought to be, but if I am honest with myself, my answers are more than a little disappointing.

I've become pretty prideful in my accomplishments of the last year. I feel happy when I see that I have done a lot of "admirable" things. I graduated with honors- as I wanted to. I served overseas- as I wanted to. I'm attending a well-known college in a well-known city- as I wanted to. These accomplishments make me happy, and I can't help but postulate: what if I hadn't accomplished these things?Would failure have devastated me? If suddenly today I were unable to attend MBI, would I be ruined? I can't say for sure what my reactions would have been, but I realize how superficial happiness is when it is completely relative to a person's success in life. Success can't bring real happiness. Sure, it can make you feel good about yourself, but there is a lot it can't do. Success can't ward off tragedy or misfortune or death. Success can't make people love you. Success can't make God love you. In light of all these reflections, I'd like to explain the one thing that can satisfy in a way that success never will.

Even if every tragedy imaginable came my way, Jesus would not desert me. His love for me does not depend on my successes or failures. He never fails to satisfy. When I pursue Him, I find Him. When I cry out to Him, He hears me and comforts me. If you don't know what it is like to really know Jesus, then all of that will sound like a lot of abstract gibberish. But it is one thing to say the things I've said (as many have), and it is an entirely different thing to really experience a relationship with the King of heaven. Don't miss this! A relationship with Jesus will never fail to satisfy.

Humans look for all sorts of things to satisfy their hearts' desires. We are constantly on the search for the next big thrill, yet we are unendingly disappointed. Nothing ever thrills quite like you think it will. Success, money, romance, you name it. They each promise a thrill that they cannot deliver. Sometimes this blog serves me as a means of self-discovery. By writing, I unearth the issues that are really at work in my heart. Today, the Holy Spirit has convicted me of my misplaced source of satisfaction. And once again I re-learn that only my King will satisfy, and my only appropriate response to Him is worship. "My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise you" (Psalm 63:5).

Whats in a Name?

I was walking into the office of one of my professors near the beginning of this semester to pick up a missed assignment. After I had stated my name and purpose, my professor said to me, "Andrea, do you know what your name means?" I'm sure that I have looked it up before, but I couldn't remember at the moment, so I replied, "No, sir." In his extra-thick southern accent my professor explained, "It means courageous or brave. Now young lady, are you a courageous young woman of God?" Taken slightly aback by the question, I stammered, "Um, well, I certainly hope to be." My professor handed me the missed assignment and ushered me out the door with the parting phrase, "And by God's grace you will be." The whole scene (as do all of my classes with this professor) left me trying to catch my breath and collect my thoughts. Because this professor speaks so quickly and with such intensity, his students often find themselves straining to hear and process every word. It was not until this past Wednesday that I was able to fully appreciate my professor's piece of knowledge about my name.

Christian author and public speaker, Francis Chan, addressed the MBI student body and literally thousands of others last Wednesday night in one of the events for the institute's Founder's Week. I fervently took notes throughout the numerous sermons I heard that week, but none of the sermons inspired me to change more than Chan's words about courage. Now, I can look back on certain events in my life and identify moments where I exhibited courage. When I was younger, adults told me it took courage to get up in front of an audience to speak or to sing. This past summer I realized that it took some degree of courage to fly internationally by myself. I have even envisioned my own future as one characterized by daily circumstances that will require acts of courage. However, after listening to what Francis Chan had to say about the subject, I felt more like a coward than anything else. Let me explain.

You may have heard it said that to be brave does not mean to never experience fear. Rather, to be brave means to act courageously in spite of fear. Chan drove home this point by expressing (emphatically, might I add) that it is normal to be nervous about sharing your faith with people. However, it is not normal for Christians to hide behind this fear and rarely, if ever, share their faith with others. I was suddenly reliving moments in my life where I did not share the hope of Christ with others simply because I was afraid of being shut out by them. I was paralyzed by a fear of being rejected, so I opted for keeping my hope to myself. Convicted as I was, I was beginning to realize that it really takes courage to share your faith with others. You don't know whether someone will shut you down or not take you seriously. It really is scary to risk being rejected by others!

Suddenly I was reminded of the meaning of my name. 'Andrea' means courageous! Now I don't think that my parents intentionally named me in the hopes that I would one day fulfill the meaning of my name. However, God did knit me together in my mother's womb, and He knew the days ordained for me before one of them came to be (Psalm 139:13,16). So perhaps God had a hand in my naming. He clearly has put a desire in my heart to do bold and courageous things for the honor of His name.

After last week, I came away with a resolve to pray for greater courage in the everyday task of sharing the hope of Jesus with others. I am also resolved to let the Word of God be the deciding factor for every decision I make. I know that others have my best interests at heart when they try to dissuade me from doing anything too radical for the fame of my King, but I won't be talked out of doing anything that God has clearly commanded me to do in His Word. I am commanded to go and make disciples of all nations (Matt. 28:19), and God-willing that is what I will do. I will do it here in the US, and if I leave this nation, I will do it wherever God leads. It may be politically incorrect. It may be dangerous. It may be the most frightening thing I will ever do. But equipped with courage from God, I will be obeying my Father's command. And as a faithful servant delights to serve a good King, I will delight to obey mine.

A Watery Grave

Just over a week ago, I visited a church here in Chicago with a few of my friends who attend it regularly. It was an incredible morning as several young believers were baptized.The pastor said a few words beforehand drawing attention to the fact that the practice of baptism is actually quite strange. Those who haven't grown up familiar with the practice would rightly be skeptical about the event taking place that Sunday morning. Just think about it. Someone professes to be a follower of Jesus Christ, and then they get plunged into a pool of water. "Why do they do that?" you might be thinking. "Why the ritual?...Why get soaking wet just because you follow Jesus?" These are fair questions. As I witnessed the baptisms that Sunday, I thought about why baptism is so powerful. It is powerful for individuals, and it is powerful for a crowd. Moreover, baptism represents two very powerful images: death and life.

When a person being baptized is submerged under the water- this symbolizes their death. This might be a strange concept to some, but it makes perfect sense to the believer. For the believer knows that he (or she) was once dead in their sins. I remember what it was like to be dead in my sins. My family does too, although perhaps they wouldn't ever think about it in those terms. When I think back to the time before I knew Jesus, I remember trying to cross every line I could without getting into trouble. I recall lying through my teeth and having hateful thoughts deeply embedded in my mind. I remember the desires of my heart, and today those desires shame me. What was more, I wasn't satisfied with my life. I was doing everything I wanted to do. No one could tell me 'no'. And yet, I was so unsatisfied. I trust that by now you know the story. But if you don't, the best way for me to sum it up is that Jesus changed everything.

When the person being baptized rises up from underneath the water, it is like they are rising to life from a watery grave. Once they were dead, but now they live. Every believer can relate to me when I say that Jesus changes everything. Looking back once again, the girl I was before I knew Jesus is hardly recognizable with the person I am today. My dreams are different now. My behavior and my speech is different. However, the greatest change is that I am wholly satisfied. When before I couldn't figure out my life's purpose, now I am sure that I was made to glorify my King. When before I didn't know where I belonged, now I know that I am a member of the largest family on earth- the universal Church. These things have brought me the greatest joy and peace. Joy because I have such a high calling for my life! Peace because I no longer worry about who I am or where I'm going! What I have just discussed has shown the powerful symbolic impact baptism can have on an individual. My own baptism when I was 16 was a joyful experience that I will never forget. But the power of baptism is not limited to the one being baptized. It is a testimony to all who witness it of God's power to change a life.

People have come up with countless objections to Christianity, and we believers have Christian apologetics to try and counteract those objections. However, there is one piece of evidence that no atheist, however strong his arguments, can refute: millions and millions of changed lives. Drug addicts turned clean, prostitutes made pure, murderers turned peacemakers, and the self-righteous humbled - all to the credit of Jesus Christ. Some might still object claiming that these people simply turned over a new leaf. But never have so many people, from so many places, for such a great length of history, all claimed that it was not they who changed themselves, but Christ's power in them.

The power of a changed life causes outsiders looking in to question it. That is why baptism is so powerful. It makes skeptics question the power of a changed life, and it causes believers to worship God for the changed life of their new brother or sister in Christ. I personally know the power of a changed life, and it is my prayer that you as well would encounter the power of the risen Lord to change your life or the life of someone you know. So if you find yourself unsatisfied with life, don't look to another self-help book. Look to the King.