Counting the Cost

Sometimes the best question to ask yourself when your faced with making an important decision is, "Is is worth it?" Sometimes the positive elements outweigh the negative elements of the given situation, and I can confidently answer, "Yes, it is worth it." Other times, however, I am hesitant to commit to a decision because I'm not sure whether it is worth it or not. Considering whether to take a certain job, buy an expensive item, or even date a certain person shouldn't be treated casually. And some decisions require a lot more consideration than others. Obviously, you don't need to weigh the pros and cons of what you are going to eat for breakfast as much as you would weigh the pros and cons of who you are going to date. All this talk of weighing things reminds me of the trickiest part of the decision-making process for me. I've never been one to enjoy math, so maybe that is why I have such a hard time deciding how much "weight" to give to any particular pro or con. Let me expound for you what I'm trying to say.

For example, I'm really considering taking on two jobs next summer so that I can earn some extra money for school. It would be easiest for me to stay with the job I worked at in high school. I wouldn't have to do any training, and I wouldn't have to deal with the time and stress of going out and applying for a ton of jobs. However, I keep telling myself I need to get out of the food industry, because I should get more work experience in fields that might one day help me find a job I enjoy doing more. So, here is where the math comes in. How important are my personal comfort and preferences when it comes to making this decision? They certainly are important, but are they important enough to risk not finding the second job that I need? Ultimately, I decided to give more weight to the security of the job I already had than I did to my personal preferences. Doing the 'scale work' for this decision took me a little while, and other decisions have certainly taken up a lot more of my time than this one did. But now I'd like to share with you the one decision that had me counting the cost longer and more thoughtfully than any other decision I have ever made.

There was a day when I was just fifteen when I realized that I had a potentially life-altering decision to make. I had just heard the gospel message explained for the first time, and it began to sink in just how serious the news I had just heard really was. First off, if it was really true (and I had no good reason to believe otherwise), then it would be a terrible thing for me to reject Christ. I now knew the truth about my sin and what the just punishment for it was apart from Jesus. Secondly, I knew that responding wholeheartedly (I tend to do most things in life wholeheartedly) would certainly change the entire direction of my life. I'll just give you a glimpse into some of the troubling thoughts that were going through my head the two days after I had been exposed to the gospel.

"What will my family think?"

"My friends will think I'm a crazy religious freak."

"Will my extended family be upset?"

"I'm so unhappy, and I feel like I don't know who I am. But having a relationship with Jesus seems like it would fix that."

"I feel like my life doesn't even have meaning, but would that change if I started living for Jesus?"

"I don't want to change the way I talk, dress, date or who my friends are, but living for Jesus would change everything."

These were just a few of the more general thoughts going through my head. Each of those thoughts was broken down into more specific questions or concerns. For example, the question "What will my family think?" was broken down into more specific questions like: "Will they be upset if I stop going to mass with them? Will I still need to get confirmed? Will they be embarrassed to tell their families?", etc.

So even if you think that those questions I was thinking over sound immature, know that I did consider what it would mean for me if I chose to live my life for Christ instead of myself. Fortunately, I considered the risks of disappointing friends and family as of little importance compared to the freedom I could have in Christ.

And as it turns out, the cost for following Jesus is much higher than I even realized back then. Over these last four years I have come to realize that following Christ shapes every aspect of who I am. It shapes my tastes, my relationships, my worldview, and even my politics. And while it is relatively easy to live as a Christian in America, I know that Christians all over the world are persecuted for their faith. So while I can bemoan the fact that people have said hurtful things about me because of my faith, I know that it does not compare to the sufferings of other Christians. And perhaps one day I will suffer real persecution. As scary as that sounds, I would be surprised if it did not happen. After all, it seems as if Jesus himself expected so much for those who would genuinely follow him. Consider his words to his disciples in John 15:18: "If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first." Fortunately, Jesus is worth the cost of following him. And despite whatever trials I have faced and will face, He is my strength and my comfort. In the words of my King, "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world" (John 16:33).

A Heart Set on Home

College students often say that one of the most perplexing things about college life is knowing where home is. I agree wholeheartedly. My college campus in Chicago is where I will be spending the majority of the next four years. I'm making friends there that really feel like family. I'm working and studying and plugging into a local church- all things I would do in the place I call home. But the phenomenon becomes complicated when it comes time to take a trip home. I have family and friends and work and church in my hometown too. So where is home? If I answer solely based on my feelings, I'm dissatisfied. No where really feels like home. If I answer based on logic, I'm equally dissatisfied. If home is where you live, I live in two different places. If home is where the people you love are, I deeply love people in both locations. If according to the old proverb, home is where the heart is, my heart feels like its split in two. When I found out that one of my closest friends at school would be leaving for the next semester, a kind of panic set in. I'm still a little nervous about how one of my 'homes' will be without this person around. Ironically, before leaving, my friend gave me a gift that uses 476 pages to explain in beautiful detail the perfection of the place I will one day call home.

Heaven is the only place that I will ever be truly at home. Paul says in his letter to the Philippians that as Christians, "our citizenship is in heaven" (Phil. 3:20). If those who claim Christ really trusted Him with their lives, then the scripture that says that Christians live "as aliens and strangers in this world" would make a lot more sense (1 Peter 2:11). Unfortunately, it is all too easy for me to live as if this life is all there is. If I really believe that the fight against evil and injustice is already won, then why do I throw up my hands in defeat when I hear reports of genocide, suicide, and war? If I really believe that my Heavenly Father delights to take care of me, then why do I fret about money and grades and clothes and finding a future spouse? And if I really believe that one cannot be a servant of two masters, then why do I attempt to serve my sinful desires while at the same time trying to serve my King? The answer? Because I am still human. I have not yet arrived at my future home. When I am home, the pain and suffering of this world will somehow make sense. My Father will lavish His love upon me and continue to take perfect care of me. When I am home, I will no longer act on the sin that I hate.

In the eyes of the world, Christians really should seem like aliens and strangers. It might seem strange for someone to fight for a cause that seems lost. It might look weird for someone to not care about having the latest clothes or gadgets or creature comforts. It could certainly seem odd for someone to express guilt over succumbing to the pleasures that this world delights in. But all of what I've just expressed isn't strange to the Christ-follower, and it isn't strange to me. Instead, it seems rather strange to me that I am so concerned about feeling at home on this earth. This earth shouldn't feel like home. For Christians, this earth is the closest to hell we will ever get. And our citizenship is not in hell. To quote Philippians 3 again, "But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, who, by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body" (Phil. 3:20-21)(emphasis added). This verse is packed with amazing truth! I for one, am eager to get to heaven. My soul longs to be with Christ in a beautiful resurrected body. So if I am going to feel homesick, I want to be homesick for heaven.

And the more that I think about it, as I look to my future, the only thing that seems probable is that I will be roaming this earth to bring the good news of my King to those that need Him. I'm trying to come to terms with the idea of never really 'feeling' at home again- on this side of glory anyway. So instead of feeling dissatisfied about not being able to identify where home is, I'm content to eagerly await my future home. But while I'm here, I intend to live purposefully. I will fight against injustice, I will fight for truth, and God-willing, I will share the grace that has been extended to me with others for the rest of my life. I can't think of a better way to spend my life here, and I can't overestimate the bliss of my future home. How could I, when I will finally be with my King?

Honestly, It's hard to be this honest.

The only thing harder than trying to maintain a front you've put up, is trying to disassemble it once the whole charade begins to sicken you. Lately, I've been learning firsthand about the freedom and the blessings that can come from being honest with people. Now before you wince as you imagine me "speaking my mind" on everything I have an opinion on, let me assuage your (legitimate) concerns. Firstly, I am a firm believer that there are times when it is wisest to hold one's tongue. Knowing when and what to keep to oneself is an art that most in this life have not mastered. I do not pretend to have mastered it myself. It is also important that you know that this blog will not be a "rant" against things I dislike; nor will it be an awkward confessional of my personal life. Rather, I hope that this blog will serve as a window into my heart. I want people to see a glimpse of the spark that is the source of all my passions. I want people to identify with the things that cause me grief or heartache. The window analogy I've used is chosen carefully. A window lets you look inside without all the commitment required of walking through the door. Only my King has full access to the recesses of my heart, and that alone is a fear-inspiring thought for me to consider.

All that to say, I intend to do my best in this blog to really just be myself. I won't try to sound perfect or like I have everything figured out. (Although I am a stickler about decent grammar). :) Furthermore, I realize that I am setting myself up for judgment by writing this blog. My big dreams may seem outlandish to some. The things that make me sad may not cause another person to bat an eyelash. Undoubtedly, the frequent references to Jesus will frustrate some. Regardless, I'm not too troubled about potential criticism. I invite it even.

So I hope you can enjoy reading the reflections of my heart. They will not be unedited, but they will be honest. They will not be intensely personal, but they will be revealing. But most importantly, they will not be for me or my glory, but for the fame of my King.