Honestly, this is harder than I thought.

In my first entry I promised to be honest in these posts. And I'm about to give you an honest truth. I haven't been writing much lately because I'm in a bad mood. I'm not an artist in the typical sense, but I like to think of writing as a work of art. I prefer my "artwork" to be uplifting, and lately I haven't had much uplifting things to say. I don't know whether that is because the transition back home for the summer has been difficult or because I have not been casting my cares at the feet of Jesus (its probably a combination of the two), but I can't seem to shake this feeling of being weighed down. I'm going to vent for a bit and then probably hit the backspace button A LOT, but here is why I haven't been in the best mood lately.


I'm single, and I know it. I don't really need everyone and their mother reminding me. As if its not hard enough just wanting to be in a relationship. Yes, my standards are pretty dang high. I know that. I'm more than okay with that. But it would be nice if people would be more encouraging and less underhandedly reminding me that I'm not in a relationship.


I'm not being heard. What started out as gentle reasoning has turned into all-out shouting matches. Is it really my fault that I'm losing patience with each passing day? Are my threats really empty? Do I mean it when I say I won't come back? Are my tears selfish? Is there really no solution? I don't know whether to resolve or keep fighting. 


I feel lonely. Those words feel foreign even to write. I haven't often felt lonely in my life. And the reason why I feel lonely isn't even because there aren't people around who care about me. I feel lonely because all I can see is three more months of being home or at work in the morning and at work at night. Being at home isn't exactly restful and neither is work obviously. I knew that this summer was going to be one mainly for saving money to go back to school. But it is turing out to be harder than I thought. 


Not very uplifting right? I guess thats just the way it is sometimes. And as I write all this, I remember a meeting I had just before leaving school. A very godly woman reminded me to cast everything at the feet of my King this summer. And to be honest, I haven't done that at all. So here is the reality to remember when you read any of my entries: I don't ever really have it all together. Especially right now. I'm trying to carry a weight that I can't carry, and I know what I have to do. I know that Jesus will carry this burdened feeling for me. I haven't surrendered that yet, but I know better. My King will lift me back up. The only question is when.

A Better Country

For as long as I can remember, I have always wanted to break free from the ordinary and be my own person. For years when I was a child, I wanted nothing more than to live in New York City one day. I imagined that life would be more thrilling there. Everything about the city seemed glamorous and idyllic. It seems almost odd now, but even back then I longed for independence. As I grew up, the dream changed but the principle behind the dream stayed the same. New York was no longer the only place I could see myself. I felt drawn to places like China, Romania, South America, even New Mexico! As you have probably deduced already, these places have virtually nothing in common. The one thing they do have in common is that they are utterly different than anything I've ever known. Why is it that I have always wanted to go places that are so unfamiliar to a small-town girl like me? I'd like to explore that question in this blog.


How do you explain the unquenchable desire of a little girl to go to unknown places where she can be free and independent? It is reasonable to say that she dreamed of a life better than the one she knew. Please don't misunderstand that statement. I was not and am not an escapist. My desire for going elsewhere was never motivated by the need to escape a harsh reality. Rather, I believe my desire was motivated by a sense of adventure. Surely there were more adventures to be had in NYC than in Celina, right? But now another question remains; where did this desire for adventure come from? Not everyone wants to live in unfamiliar territory. Most people would take stability over adventure if it were offered to them. I have often wondered why I am so different from the rest of my family in this way. That is not to say my family doesn't have dreams. They do, but mine have always been so much different from theirs. It seems legitimate to ask where these dreams came from. Most children get their dreams from their parents, but my parents would tell you in an instant that they didn't plant those outrageous dreams in my head. Rather, it is like the dreams were there from the beginning. They were woven into my very being from before I was even born.


When I was fifteen, I embarked on a new adventure that literally changed my life. I am currently on that very same adventure, and it has taken me places I never expected to go. This adventure has taken me to slums in Haiti, hospitals in Guatemala, the inner-city of Chicago, and many other places as well. And while the adventure has taken me to some amazing places, the destinations aren't really what the adventure is all about. Instead, this adventure is mostly about the journey, and the only destination I really care about is the final one. I'll now stop speaking so cryptically and explain this grand adventure I've been on for the last four years.


I am following in the footsteps of the only wise King. It is truly a grand adventure to take Jesus at His word and actually do what He asks. The path of following Jesus gets rocky at times, but that just adds to the adventure. No matter how scary the task or how impassible the road may seem, my King has always made a way for me. He has been faithful even when I have been faithless. He has proven His love for me again and again.


And all the while, my thirst for adventure has remained. The different stops I have made on my journey walking with Christ have all been quite thrilling, but the final stop on my ticket is a better country than any I have visited thus far. I am looking forward to something better than this earth. That is why I am willing to go anywhere the Lord takes me- even if it's dangerous. God created me from birth to go and do great things for Him. He knew about this grand adventure even before I did.


So if you ever think I'm crazy for wanting to go to unwelcoming places with an unwelcome message, then just remember that I'm not doing it for myself. If I were going into Christian Missions for the sake of my own comfort and happiness, I would probably return to my home whenever the going got rough. But because I am longing for a better country, I will not let hardship or fear or  discomfort keep me from spreading the fame of my King. Speaking about the saints of old, the author of Hebrews makes a point more eloquently than I:


"If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. Instead, they were longing for a better country—a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them" (Hebrews 11:15-17).

Take my Lips and Let them Be

Those who are familiar with the Christian hymn "Take my Life and Let it Be" might know the phrase that follows the title of this post. It comes from the third verse which reads:


Take my voice and let me sing,
Always, only for my King.
Take my lips and let them be
Filled with messages from Thee.


Lately I've been considering the power of words. Words can heal or harm. They can fight or make peace. They can pour out love or hatred. And as I considered these things, I reflected on the way I have used words in the past and how I use them presently. I'm ashamed to admit that I have often intentionally used words to hurt people. Whenever I was angry or upset at someone, I always seemed to know the words that would cut the deepest. I realize now that it is not too late to ask for forgiveness, so that will happen in the very near future. Presently, I have found that social media venues like Facebook, blogging, etc. present daily opportunities to use words for good or for evil. For example, you can post complaints, controversial opinions, quotes, song lyrics, photos, videos, slams at individuals who remain unnamed, and I'm sure many other things. As I considered this, I realized that what I say on these social media venues is of extreme importance. I am an ambassador of Christ. My King has called me and every other person who calls upon His name to be His representatives to the world (2 Cor. 5:20).Therefore, when I post or blog, I should write praises instead of complaints. I should build up instead of tear down. I should speak truth and not lies.


In other words, my lips should be filled with messages from God. That is not to say that I should incessantly quote Bible verses or only talk about spiritual things. Rather, I believe that to have lips filled with messages from God means to always speak words that honor God. An ambassador would never intentionally say anything to make his country look bad. In the same way, I don't want anything I say to give a poor reflection of the God I serve. In light of all this, I'm afraid I must confess that I have failed miserably in this area.


Sometimes it is really difficult for me to discern when it is appropriate to say something and when it is better to keep my mouth closed. This happens most often in everyday conversation. However, recently I have noticed that the real temptation occurs over social media venues. I knew from the get-go that posting something very controversial is a pretty cowardly way to present one's case. I mean think about it. I can post something that I know lots of people are going to disagree with, but its okay because I am hiding behind a computer screen! If people disagree with me, they will say something. But I may never have to see them, so it doesn't matter! Now I'm not saying people shouldn't have strong opinions. They should! There are far more effective ways to advocate a point, but they demand courage. Now as I'm writing this, I'm remembering that there are some instances when posting something controversial can be done in a good way. However, the only way this can be a good thing is if the statement being made is presented out of love and does not make its point through degrading the people who hold a different view.


To sum it all up, I know I haven't done the best job at always speaking words that honor God. Fortunately, God can redeem my lips. The lyrics of the hymn I posted are not just words to a song. They are a prayer. And it is my prayer that God will take my voice and let me sing for my King. It is my prayer that He will fill my lips with messages from Him.

Spring Break, Sunshine, and lots of Singing

Spending two weeks with forty college-aged women isn't something that has ever been on my list of things to do before I die. However, that is precisely how I am spending my first spring break as a college student. Along with many students from around the country, I have been able to hit a couple of beautiful Florida beaches on my break from classes and homework. But my spring break is very different than that of the typical college student. This is my first time serving as a part of a traveling Christian music ministry. I have used school breaks to go on missions trips and work on local service projects, but I have never thought that performing music could be a legitimate form of Christian service. I am glad to say that I have now experienced otherwise.

I have been in my school choirs from the seventh grade through senior year. Looking back on that experience, I remember emotions ranging from joy to regret and even deep sadness. I loved performing in concerts and the community of friends the most. I often auditioned for solos, and I even got to sing my first ever duet with my sister in senior year. However, I was also very competitive about choir. I competed in contests and auditioned for the chamber choir. Sometimes I did well, but other times I failed to meet the standard. Hindsight has taught me how foolish of me it was to cry so many tears over not making the cut in chamber choir. All those tears and all that resentment are indicative of what my heart really treasured at that time. I desired to be recognized for my talents. I wanted to be grouped with "the best". I sinfully wanted all the glory for myself. And when I didn't get the praise and affirmation I wanted, I was devastated. I'm not exactly sure what made me join the Women's Choir at Moody. Maybe I was trying to redeem my failure of making the high school chamber choir. Maybe I just wanted to have another activity. More than likely, however, God wanted to teach me some lessons about what it means to find satisfaction in giving Him the glory instead of treasuring it for myself.

My experiences in the MBI Women's Concert Choir have taught me what it really means to sing for the glory of God. Unlike my high school choirs, all of the music we perform declares a part of the gospel, if not the whole thing! This alone has been an amazing discovery of a new way to worship. I don't mean to say that musical worship must be perfect in its presentation, but I do believe that truly beautiful music can be very God-honoring. The essential lesson I have learned through being a member of WCC is that I have to give up any desire for personal glory if I want to truly give God the glory in my singing.

Being on tour is exhausting. Traveling by bus for hours every day, staying at different host homes every night, and singing with full voice for hours are taxing on my body and soul. Temptations don't stop on spring break either. The decisions of how to spend my time on long bus rides, the patience required when interacting with host families, and the desire to give a 50% performance in a concert all represent the kinds of temptations I have encountered on tour. Furthermore, it is very easy to be selfish when you have 39 other young women each defending her own highest comfort- myself included. If that sounds difficult, then I accurately described the difficulty of a two-week long choir tour. However, if you have ever been involved in any kind of ministry, you know that difficulty is always present. Mission trips are always exhausting, composing sermons is difficult, meeting physical and spiritual needs is taxing, and those are just a few areas of ministry. Fortunately, the joy that is the result of fruitful ministry is worth every moment of difficulty.

Performing in choir concerts has given me great joy as God has been teaching how to perform for Him. Our director has taught us the importance of being ladies who possess poise and grace. Hearing the stories of God's faithfulness in the lives of believers all around the country through host homes has been amazing. We have also learned how to minister to and be ministered by the church. However, the most significant blessing of this tour has been the realization that I can enjoy singing and being in a choir without the competitive, self-serving attitude I had in high school. I don't feel compelled to be the best, so long as I am giving my best for Jesus. I won't fight for any glory but the glory of my King. Choir has enabled me to learn yet another way to fulfill the command, "So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God" (1 Corinthians 10:31).

When the world has plunged me in its deepest pit...

There are times when life takes an unexpected turn, and we find ourselves in the depths of despair. The hardest part is that these times are unexpected. We don't see them coming. I could give examples, but I feel that would be a waste of space. I think that most people can identify at least one time in their life when they received bad news that immediately sent them into tears. In my short 19 years, I can already identify at least three times when this has happened to me personally. Sadly, I witnessed a close friend experience this kind of situation just last night. It might seem odd for me to write about something so grave and depressing. But last night I learned something incredibly beautiful from the way a sister handled grief.

'Hope' is a word that Christians and non-Christians alike are comfortable using. However, it would be incorrect to assume that the term is being used in the same way by both of these groups of people. The casual way many use the word 'hope' is evidenced in phrases like, "I hope my classes will be cancelled tomorrow," "I hope the weather is good for our vacation," and "I hope I win the lottery." Using the word 'hope' in this way reveals that what the person hopes for is either superficial, unlikely, or pretty much impossible. This is not the kind of hope that will get someone through times of grief. Imagine what little comfort it would be to say to someone who just lost their job, "I hope you can find another job!" Instead, wouldn't we say, "I am confident that you will find another job!" But last night I saw a truer, deeper hope. It is the Christian hope- a hope that only those who are truly in Christ can know.

The Christian hope is really faith. We have faith that this world is not all there is. We have faith that our King is coming back to bring justice. We have faith that we have a heavenly advocate, who is pleading our case before God on our behalf. Maybe all of that doesn't sound any more possible to you than winning the lottery does. But unlike the hope of the person who wishes to win the lottery, the Christian hope isn't merely wishful thinking. Christians are sure of what they hope for. They are certain that these things will come to pass. The Scriptures say it beautifully: "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" (Hebrews 11:1).

So in case you were wondering, Christians still grieve. They just grieve differently. They grieve without forgetting their hope in the King and His promises to them. Seeing my sister in Christ tearfully professing her trust in God's faithfulness even in the midst of her fear and sadness was probably the most moving thing I have experienced at college. Today in choir rehearsal, we learned a hymn that really reminded me of my dear sister's hope.

"There is a hope that lifts my weary head,

A consolation strong against despair,

That when the world has plunged me in its deepest pit,

I find the Savior there!"

Only those who belong to Christ can know this kind of hope. As a matter of fact, God's Word tells us that because our hope is so certain, we can boast about it! "But Christ is faithful as a son over God’s house. And we are his house, if we hold on to our courage and the hope of which we boast" (Hebrews 3:6). So I will boast in my hope, but I will also share the reason for my hope with others. It is hardly something that I could keep to myself.

Ashes, Tears, and Spilt Perfume

I have at certain times in my life sensed that I have done wrong. To deny this would be to deny the existence of any moral sensitivity inside myself. I sense this when I have let someone down by failing to meet a deadline or an expectation. I feel it when words spoken carelessly came back to haunt me. I sense it when I have done something in secret that would make me ashamed if anyone else knew. These feelings that make me aware that my conscience has been defiled have a special name: guilt. Sometimes guilt nags away at me until I can hardly stand to look myself in the mirror. But after a while, the nagging voice of guilt starts to fade and something much worse takes up residence in the heart. Apathy.

The disillusioned equate apathy with freedom. "I don't care what anyone else thinks! I will live my life as I wish! I am free!" is it's battle cry. Apathy doesn't listen to the nagging voice of guilt. That voice was put on silent ages ago. But apathy doesn't remain in the stage of passive indifference for very long. No longer needing to defend itself with it's battle cry, apathy does everything it can to make itself known. People who are indifferent to their consciences aren't afraid to bash someone behind their back (or even to their face). They aren't worried about their responsibilities or the expectations others have of them. They zealously defend every hateful word that escapes their lips. They express pride over the actions they once considered shameful. And while the apathetic person may be free from the nagging voice of guilt, he is really just a slave to his passions.

Last Wednesday was Ash Wednesday, a day with it's roots in early Christian tradition. The purpose of the day is to reflect on one's past sins and mourn over them. In Roman Catholic and some Protestant churches, ashes are placed on the forehead of those who wish to make an outward confession of their inward mourning heart. A friend recently brought to my attention that some people understand this to be an offense to the cross of Christ. After all, if we have put our trust in Jesus, our sins are completely dealt with. "Therefore there is now no more condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus" (Rom. 8:1). But while this is entirely true, the Bible tells us that God esteems those who are contrite in spirit (Isa. 66:2). This assertion begs a few questions: "What does it mean to be contrite in spirit? Is it the same thing as feeling guilty? If so, why would God esteem our guilt?" Recently I've learned that guilt and contrition are not synonymous. Our guilt and apathy are not what God delights in. Instead, David cries out in his psalm of repentance, "the sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart" (Psalm 51:17). So what does that look like in real life? The Word of God tells us a story of one woman who knew what it meant to come before her Lord with a broken and contrite heart.

In Luke 7:36-50 we read of a woman who, though she had lived a sinful life, approached the feet of Jesus in the company of many religious leaders. In sorrow over her sins the woman began to weep. So much did she weep that Jesus' feet were actually wet with her tears! Noticing this, the woman then began to dry His feet with her hair! Then she does something very strange. She begins to kiss the feet of Jesus and pour expensive perfume on them. The religious leader who invited Jesus over for dinner became indignant. He was repulsed by the woman's sinfulness and was shocked that Jesus was not equally repulsed. But then Jesus told a short parable that made everything seem a little clearer. This woman, in her great sorrow, exhibited so much love for Jesus. She had much to be forgiven, so she loved Him all the more because of all He had forgiven her. By spilling her perfume in an act of worship, the woman exhibited faith that Jesus could heal her. Her sins moved her to tears at the feet of Jesus, but they also moved her to worship Him by pouring perfume on His feet. In response to the woman's actions Jesus told her, "Your faith has saved you; go in peace" (Luke 7:50).

This woman was broken in spirit and contrite in heart. She sensed guilt over her sins, but she was not apathetic about them. Guilt prompted her to recognize that her sins had not been adequately dealt with, and contrition was the result. There are many days (especially as of late) when I deeply identify with this sinful woman. Painful remorse moves me to weep at the feet of my King, begging for mercy. And also like this woman, I come in worship, with faith that He can heal me. This is what God esteems. This is my sacrifice to Him.

So no, I do not think it is okay for Christians to be consumed by guilt. That would indicate that their sins have not been repented of. And no, I do not think that self-condemnation is appropriate for the Christian. That would indicate that they do not have faith in the power of the cross. But do I believe that God honors those who are humble and contrite- those who mourn over their sins with the faith that He can heal?

Yes, I believe it with all my heart.

When it doesn't Thrill like you Think it Will

There are days when everything I want seems within reach. There are days when I am satisfied that I have accomplished the major goals I have been striving toward. And then there are the days when I realize that achieving goals never really guarantees happiness. At this time a year ago, I was eagerly anticipating all the adventures I would be experiencing in a few months time. The thrill of traveling and doing ministry for a summer and the thrill of starting my new life in the city at the school of my dreams were the goals that I had been working toward all of Senior year, and in some sense, all of my life. Don't misunderstand, both of those experiences were incredibly thrilling. In fact, I don't know that I have ever been happier in my life than when I was in Guatemala or here at school. Going to new places and meeting new people satisfies that desire for adventure that God put in me. However, today I heard a tragic story from a woman that reminded me that having everything you want and doing everything the right way doesn't safeguard you from disaster.

Even if I have everything that I want, tragedy is always only a moment away. I don't say that to be pessimistic, but I say it to be realistic. Since everything I've worked for could be taken away in an instant, it makes me wonder how I would respond should tragedy ever strike (as it inevitably will- at least to some degree). "Are my successes the things that my happiness relies on?" "When I fail to accomplish a goal, does it devastate me?...Should it?" "What is the one thing, that if it were to be taken away, it would ruin me?" These are the questions that have haunted me since I started writing this blog a few days ago. I know what the answers to these questions ought to be, but if I am honest with myself, my answers are more than a little disappointing.

I've become pretty prideful in my accomplishments of the last year. I feel happy when I see that I have done a lot of "admirable" things. I graduated with honors- as I wanted to. I served overseas- as I wanted to. I'm attending a well-known college in a well-known city- as I wanted to. These accomplishments make me happy, and I can't help but postulate: what if I hadn't accomplished these things?Would failure have devastated me? If suddenly today I were unable to attend MBI, would I be ruined? I can't say for sure what my reactions would have been, but I realize how superficial happiness is when it is completely relative to a person's success in life. Success can't bring real happiness. Sure, it can make you feel good about yourself, but there is a lot it can't do. Success can't ward off tragedy or misfortune or death. Success can't make people love you. Success can't make God love you. In light of all these reflections, I'd like to explain the one thing that can satisfy in a way that success never will.

Even if every tragedy imaginable came my way, Jesus would not desert me. His love for me does not depend on my successes or failures. He never fails to satisfy. When I pursue Him, I find Him. When I cry out to Him, He hears me and comforts me. If you don't know what it is like to really know Jesus, then all of that will sound like a lot of abstract gibberish. But it is one thing to say the things I've said (as many have), and it is an entirely different thing to really experience a relationship with the King of heaven. Don't miss this! A relationship with Jesus will never fail to satisfy.

Humans look for all sorts of things to satisfy their hearts' desires. We are constantly on the search for the next big thrill, yet we are unendingly disappointed. Nothing ever thrills quite like you think it will. Success, money, romance, you name it. They each promise a thrill that they cannot deliver. Sometimes this blog serves me as a means of self-discovery. By writing, I unearth the issues that are really at work in my heart. Today, the Holy Spirit has convicted me of my misplaced source of satisfaction. And once again I re-learn that only my King will satisfy, and my only appropriate response to Him is worship. "My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise you" (Psalm 63:5).